Adult Swim
by Bamfwriter
Summary: The Mighty Boosh is on tour, and staying at a posh hotel. Howard and Naboo decide to visit the hotel's pool, and much mischief ensues.


Howard followed Naboo down the cement path toward their hotel's swimming pool. The Mighty Boosh was spending the weekend in Manchester to take part in a multi-band showcase for new groups looking to expand their fan bases. The rehearsals were finally over, and it was time for a break. Howard had suggested an afternoon lounging by the pool, and Naboo was game. Vince, of course, wouldn't hear of allowing his hair to come in contact with chlorine, even minute traces of it in the air around the pool. Bollo, like most great apes, couldn't swim a lick, and was too nervous to join in.

So it was the long and the short of it -- tall, lanky Howard and petite Naboo -- who changed into their trunks and hurried down to the deck. Now Howard moved ahead of Naboo to pull open the heavy iron gate leading to the pool, and held it for the tiny shaman.

"Cheers, mate," Naboo said, walking (without ducking) under Howard's arm and past him into the pool area. The young man set his towel down on one of the dozen or so lounge chairs, stripped off the shirt he was wearing over his bathing trunks, and turned to admire the facilities. He was especially interested in the half dozen young females sunning themselves on the patio at the far side of the pool enclosure.

"Not bad, eh Naboolio?" Howard said with a smile, dumping his own towel on a chair next to Naboo's. The pool was massive, with a slide, stone steps leading up out of the shallow end, and a diving board at the deep end. Howard removed his shirt, moved to the steps leading down into the pool and dipped a toe in.

"Yikes!" Howard withdrew his toe quickly with a hiss. The water was frigid! He looked into the pool, almost expecting to see ice chunks, before turning to his friend.

"What's wrong?" Naboo asked. "Too cold?" He moved to stand beside Howard and held onto the taller man's arm for balance as he swept his foot through the water. His reaction was similar.

"Bloody hell!" Naboo hopped around as his foot tingled with the cold. He looked uncertainly from the water to Howard. "You're not gonna swim in that, are you?"

Howard laughed. "Do I look like a polar bear to you? Not me, mate. You?"

Naboo shook his head, dark hair swinging. "No way." He looked around, and moved to the lounge chair where he had dropped his towel. "I'm gonna stick with sunbathing, I think. Been raining so bloody much at home lately; I'm starting to look Goth." The little shaman eased himself down on the lounge chair, folding his arms behind his head. "Wanna join me?" he asked.

The giggling cluster of young women lounging on the far side of the pool was occupying Howard's mind at the moment, and he didn't reply. Only when Naboo laughed, and smacked him in the leg, did the tall man manage to tear his eyes from the ladies.

"What? Oh, yeah," Howard thought about it for a moment. "Yeah," he repeated, "That'd be good." Howard reclined on his own chair, closing his eyes as the warm sun caressed his body. "The old Northern pins could use a little color."

Naboo was just getting relaxed, drifting off to sleep, when Howard's voice caught his attention.

"You know, 'Boolio, I couldn't help but notice the bills on the counter in the kitchen. The water bill is red... way overdue." He looked over at the dark-eyed shaman. "Do you need money?" When there was no response, the big man reached over and poked him in the shoulder. "Naboo?"

Naboo sighed, and gave an elegant little shrug. "The bill's just a bit higher than usual," he murmured, half-asleep. "I'm hoping to bring in a little more money soon... selling some old stuff... old records." He reached up to brush a stray jet-black lock of hair from his brow. "Don't worry about it, you and Vince pay me plenty each month. I can't ask you for any more than your fair share." The little shaman turned onto his belly, and went quiet.

The two men were silent for a long while. Howard lay back down and tried to relax, but the issue of the bill was rattling around in his brain. After a few minutes, he sat up again.

"You know, I'm not really comfortable with you selling your things to pay the bills, mate."

The shaman sighed again, this time more annoyed. He flipped back over and sat up. After collecting his thoughts, he looked up, and spoke.

"Howard.... Shamanism doesn't bring in a lot of money. It's not exactly steady work, know what I mean? This won't be the first time I've had to downsize a bit to make ends meet. I wish you wouldn't go on so about it. You're embarrassing me." The little man ran a hand uneasily through his shiny black hair, and looked away across the pool.

"Well you know," Moon began carefully, "I have a pretty extensive record collection myself. It should fetch a few hundred euros, at least." He raised a hand as Naboo started to protest. "Look, just let me help you out with the bill, alright? You're my friend. Besides, I'm twice your size, so I use twice as much water showering."

The shaman chuckled softly at that, and Howard grinned, relieved. "So do we have an agreement?" he asked.

Naboo looked up and studied Howard's face for a long moment, chewing on his cheek, thinking. He looked out at the pool again, and a thoughtful little smile spread across his face. He swung his legs around the side of the lounge chair and stood up, putting his hands on his hips.

"Alright," he began, raising a finger, "We'll settle this with a little competition." He curled the finger toward himself, beckoning Howard to follow him as he sauntered over to the edge of the pool, still devoid of swimmers. When the taller man came to stand at his side, Naboo pointed at the narrow strip of white edging that framed the pool.

"Here's the deal," Naboo continued, "We start at the shallow end of the pool, and balance on that white edge. Whoever gets all the way around to that filter at the deep end first without falling in wins, OK?" Naboo smiled, bouncing on his feet as he finished the challenge.

Howard studied the narrow edge of the pool, then nodded with a smirk. "You're on, Naboolio," he said.

They moved to the edge of the pool and stood back to back. Naboo spoke over his shoulder to Howard.

"Now if I win, I sell my stuff to pay the bill. If you win, I'll let you sell yours. Agreed?" Naboo asked.

"Agreed," Howard answered. "Prepare to face defeat, shorty."

The race was on. Howard started around the pool in one direction, Naboo in the other. Right from the start, it was a close race. With his smaller size, Naboo had better balance and could move faster, but Howard made up for it with his longer stride. As they started down the long sides of the pool, Howard glanced over to check Naboo's progress, and very nearly fell in. He circled his arms desperately for a few seconds before regaining balance and moving on. He grinned as he heard Naboo laughing at him.

"Smooth, Howard, you look like a drunken giraffe," Naboo called, snickering.

Howard smirked, and replied, "Let's not get personal, now, peewee."

Naboo stuck his tongue out at him, grinning as he heard the beautiful sound of female giggling.

Howard carefully navigated the last corner of the pool, and moved quickly along the deep end toward the filter that marked the end of the race. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Naboo doing the same. Howard tried to increase his pace, and lunged out with his left foot just as Naboo followed suit. Both men's toes touched the filter at the same time.

Howard looked down at his and Naboo's feet sharing the filter, then raised his head as Naboo started to laugh.

"So, it's a tie then?" Naboo asked, chuckling.

Howard smiled an evil smile. "Not for long!" he growled, lunging at Naboo.

Naboo yelped and tried to scurry out of Howard's reach, but the big man snagged him around the waist with both arms and picked him up, turning toward the pool.

"Wait, no, Howard, DON'T...!" Was all Naboo had time to shout before he was launched into the deep end of the pool. The rest of the cry was cut off as the cold water closed over his head.

"I win!" Howard sang, turning and walking away to go get some sun. Still chuckling, he listened for the anticipated spluttering stream of profanity from Naboo, and was curious when it didn't happen. Puzzled, he turned, and the remains of his laughter died in his throat.

Naboo was still submerged, struggling just under the surface of the water. As Howard stared, the shaman's sleek, black head broke the surface for a moment. The dark eyes were wide with fear, and Moon's heart slammed into his throat as a terrified, water-choked cry reached his ears.

"Howard, help!" Naboo's arms slapped ineffectually at the water as he fought to keep his head above the surface. "I can't swim! HELP!" He went under again.

Moon had never moved so fast in his life. He sprinted to the edge of the pool, his thoughts racing, chastising himself. What in bloody hell was he thinking, chucking Naboo into the pool? Had he learned nothing from all those safety courses, all those survival texts? Water wasn't something to mess about with, especially when you weren't sure about a person's swimming capabilities!

"Howard! Help me!" Naboo managed to gasp as he surfaced again for a moment.

Howard dove in, swam to Naboo's side in three strong strokes, and wrapped his arm around the shaman's waist just as he went under again. He hauled the smaller man to the surface and held him up. Naboo gasped for air, coughing up water, still struggling to stay afloat.

"I gotcha, Naboo," Howard said softly, tightening his arm around Naboo's middle, "Just relax...." He turned onto his back, pulling the mystic up to lay against his chest, and began a one-armed backstroke toward the shallow end of the pool.

Naboo continued to cough and splutter, spitting out water as his friend towed him to safety. The shaman felt his feet brush the concrete bottom of the pool, and a moment later, Howard stood and scooped him up in his arms with one smooth motion.

Howard carried the diminutive shaman across the shallow end, then moved quickly up the concrete steps leading out of the pool. Naboo was clinging to him, coughing and gasping against Moon's shoulder as he recovered. The tall man nodded gratefully as one of the concerned hotel guests dragged a lounge chair over to them.

"Easy now, mate," he said reassuringly to his shivering friend, "You're alright." He gently laid Naboo down on the lounge and knelt beside him, taking the little wet face in his large hands. He carefully studied the deep, brown eyes for a moment, then lifted one tiny wrist and checked the pulse. The beat was strong and steady, and Howard sighed in relief; Naboo would be fine.

"Cheers," Naboo said softly, breathing hard, teeth chattering. He managed a weak smile, and reached up to squeeze Howard's shoulder.

"My God, Naboo...," Howard began. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry." Howard reached for his towel and quickly draped it over the shaman's body. He felt awful; Naboo might have drowned. "Are you all right? How could I have been so stupid?" The tall man's face was a study in guilt.

Naboo took a deep breath and closed his eyes, smiling as he felt Howard's warm palm on his brow. Waving a slender hand in a dismissive gesture, Naboo shook his head.

"No no, it's OK," he said softly, "I'm alright." He opened his eyes to study the water running off Howard's gaunt body in rivulets. He grinned as he added, "Guess it's still a tie, huh? We both pay the water bill!"

Howard was finally able to laugh then, feeling his guilt beginning to disperse. "Right," he replied, reaching to tousle the sopping, jet-black hair. He stood up and retrieved Naboo's towel, and used it to dry his own shivering body. He'd been so focused on saving the little shaman that he'd forgotten how very cold the water was. When he'd finished, he tossed the towel aside, and pulled a chair up to sit at Naboo's side. The mystic looked fine now, and Howard could hear that his breathing was back to normal.

"Er... Naboo," Moon said, furrowing his brow as a memory gnawed at his brain. "I could've sworn you told me...," his face brightened. "Yeah!"

"What?" Naboo asked, fighting down a grin. .

Howard looked confused. "When we went on that fishing trip on holiday two years back, remember? The boat? When Bollo was fretting about being afraid of the water?"

Naboo nodded, grin widening.

Howard continued. "You told Bollo to stop worrying that he couldn't swim, that you would look after him, because YOU were a great swimmer yourself. I remember you saying it!" He fixed Naboo with a curious look as the smaller man suddenly smiled. A toothy smile of pure evil. Naboo reached up and hit the side of his own head, as if trying to knock sense into himself.

"Oh, wait, " he said, still smiling, "That's right..., I CAN swim!" He watched Howard's face change as reality sunk in.

"You were faking drowning?" Moon asked, disbelieving.

"Yep!" Naboo chirped cheerfully. "I did stage acting, remember?" He sighed smugly and folded his arms behind his head. "Nice to be able to stretch my theatrical legs again."

Moon stared at him. "You tricked me," he said, sounding hurt.

Naboo got defensive now. "Hey, give over! YOU started it! You threw me in, you big ponce!" He snickered as Howard gave him a dirty look. "What did you expect me to do? Just take it?" Naboo asked.

Howard stood, shaking his head and turning away. "I can't believe you did that, Naboo," he said. Then he turned back and said, louder, "I can't believe you would frighten me half to death, just to win that stupid contest." His disappointment in his shaman friend's actions was clearly written on his moustached face.

Naboo was still grinning. "Worked, dinnit? Gotcha into the pool, dinnit?" He tossed the towel aside, and turned onto his belly to let his back tan. "Besides," he added, " I didn't win, remember? It was a tie. We both got wet." He laid his head on his arms and closed his eyes.

Howard huffed, and sat down at the end of Naboo's lounge, his back to the smaller man. When he spoke, his voice was soft, almost inaudible.

"I thought I knew you Naboo," Howard began, "I've always trusted you, and now you do this...," his voice trailed off.

Naboo looked back over his shoulder at Howard, becoming uncomfortable with the big man's sober state. He'd honestly thought that Howard would've found the situation humorous, but it seemed his roommate really was upset by the ruse.

"Hey, Howard," Naboo began uneasily, "... I'm sorry. I never meant to...,"

"Sorry isn't enough," Howard interjected sharply, still refusing to look at Naboo. He stood up, as if preparing to leave.

Naboo turned onto his back now, facing Howard. His mouth opened and shut a few times as he tried to think of something to say. In the end, he settled for, "It's not?"

"Oh no," Howard said, turning to face the shaman again. "Sorry's for when you leave your bath towel on the floor, or when you drink all the milk and don't buy more. But this...," He suddenly grinned down at Naboo. "This calls for... revenge."

Naboo jumped as the larger man suddenly grabbed his feet and tried to pull him off the chair. Instinctively, the shaman grabbed the arms of the chair and held on. He laughed a little as Howard continued to pull at him, dragging the chair a few inches in the process.

"Yeah, we'll see who gets wet this time," Howard muttered, tugging at Naboo's legs, trying to get him off the chair. The chair scraped another half foot across the cement. "C'mon 'Boolio, take it like a man," he growled, beginning to laugh.

"Hey, now," Naboo giggled, "Don't throw the chair in, you'll get tossed out." He grinned, all snooty and smug, as Howard let go of his legs to scowl. The jazz man moved threateningly forward, and the little shaman tightened his grip on the arms of the chair. He snickered as Moon latched onto his left wrist and tried to pry his fingers from the chair. After a brief struggle, Naboo's left hand was detached and Howard went to work on the right.

Howard gave a short laugh of triumph as he freed Naboo's left hand from its iron grip on the lounge. But, as soon as he moved to Naboo's right hand, the shaman jerked his left hand out of Howard's grip and reattached it to the chair. This game went on for a few moments, both of them laughing, until Howard tried a new attack.

"Give it up, mate," Naboo said as he grabbed the chair with both hands again. "You can't possibly... ACK!" He yelped as Howard's fingers suddenly dug into his ribs. Squealing and giggling hysterically, the shaman tried to twist away without letting go of the chair, to no avail. He let go with one hand to try and push away Howard's hands, shrieking and writhing. Now the evil fingers were scuttling back and forth across his belly. Naboo uttered a strangled curse word and flopped back against the chair, breathless and helpless with laughter, still batting feebly at the tickling fingers with his free hand.

Howard continued without mercy, watching the shaman's hands closely, waiting for the right moment. He was already dodging Naboo's left hand as it pushed in vain against his fingers. He carried on tickling until both his victim's hands released the chair to fight him off. Then he grabbed both Naboo's tiny wrists in one hand and stood up, pulling the diminutive man up with him and draping him across his shoulders in one swift motion.

Naboo kicked as Howard picked him up and walked back over to the pool's edge. "Help!" he shouted, to the very amused female patrons of the pool. "Shaman abuse! Shaman abuse!" he wailed, still laughing.

Howard chuckled as he carried his struggling burden toward the pool. He stood at the edge of the deep end for a moment, speaking over his shoulder to his helpless passenger.

"Now just remember, you little berk," Moon said, "You asked for this!" With that, Howard heaved forward, intending to dump Naboo back into the water. What he didn't expect was for Naboo to suddenly grab the waistband of his trunks and yank upward.

"Yeow!" Howard yelped, as he found his suit riding rather high all of a sudden. Naboo's actions threw him off-balance.

OH SH...!" Was as far as Howard got as he tumbled headfirst into the water, Naboo still slung over his shoulder. The jazz man surfaced, coughing, to see Naboo swimming like mad for the far end of the pool. He gave chase, swimming hard after the shaman.

"Hey Moon, it's still a tie!" Naboo sang, as he pulled himself out of the pool. He turned to gloat at Howard.

"OH, are you gonna get it!" Howard roared as he neared the side of the pool. Naboo had taken off running around the side to get away from Howard. The lanky man was about to haul himself up out of the water, when he realized things felt... odd. At almost the same time, Naboo called out from behind him.

"Did you lose something, mate?" Naboo was laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, as he reached into the water to grab something floating. "Hey Moon, you're mooning!"

Howard looked down, and discovered he was skinny-dipping. He whirled around in the water to glare at Naboo, then caught sight of the young women standing alongside the shaman, squealing with laughter and pointing. Quickly, he ducked down into the water up to his chin, covering his naughty bits with both hands, eliciting more giggles from the women.

Naboo smirked at Howard, twirling the remains of the tall man's bathing suit around on his index finger. The elastic waistband of the suit had broken when he gave Howard the wedgie. The fact that the suit had slipped off when Moon hit the water was, quite literally, a cheeky bonus. Naboo calmly slung the ruined bathing suit over his shoulder, and turned to follow the girls toward the gate.

"See you later, Howard!" he called over his shoulder as he exited the pool area. He didn't need to examine tea leaves to understand Howard's deafening response.

"NABOO!"

THE END


End file.
